Have you ever been so involved in a

relationship that you can’t see the toxicity that

surrounds you? Are you so caught up in your life

that you simply accept what is happening to you

without seeing a way out?

That’s the situation faced by a customer that

wrote to me recently, who was involved in an

enduring pattern of disrespect, broken promises,

secrets and infidelity.

She was so hung up on giving him another chance

to redeem himself, she couldn’t comprehend the

gravity of what he had already put her through.

Are you hoping for the golden apple, the

perfect cheating proof, or just an excuse to get

out of your relationship?

Here is her email and my reply:

**********************************************

Well, I don’t know where to start. Basically, I

am living again with my ex-husband who cheated on

me with one of his co-workers that I found out

about by hiring a PI. He also had a relationship

with a girl 12 years younger than him. He started

a relationship with her in another state until August

2006.

She moved back to her home town and eventually

regretted leaving him. They continued a long

distance relationship that was supposed to have

ended in April 2007. He came to me and told me he

was not talking to her anymore and that he wanted

his family back. At the time I wanted the same

thing and I let him come home. We have a 10 year

old son together.

That was not the case at all. I began

suspecting he was still in contact with her via

e-mail, Instant Message and text almost

immediately after he moved back in. After 2 months

I managed to get into his e-mail and found proof

he was still talking to her, in fact she was on

her way back to start a life with him.

Apparently he only intended on living with us

until my lease was up in August as she worked 2

jobs and saved money to start there new life

together down here in the southern states.

When I realized it was all a lie I asked him to

move out which he did. After 2 weeks he begged to

come back again and swore to me that he didn’t

want to be with her and he wanted to come back to

his family. He made me believe it and I allowed

him to come back. After a week of being back he

got lost after work for over an hour, I couldn’t

reach him over the phone and I text him several

times with no response.

The following night he claimed he was going

fishing with his friend Randy, but when he came

home I looked at his phone and realized he hadn’t

even spoken to Randy that day. He hides his phone

from me sometimes. He changed his password for his

e-mail so I can no longer access it and he deletes

calls and text messages from his phone.

Do you think he’s still communicating with her?

I have no idea if she’s still here or if she went

back to her home town. He claims he has not talked to

her since I sent her a text to leave our family

alone about 2 weeks ago.

I don’t trust him at all. This is not the first

time he’s told me it was over with her. I don’t

believe she drove all across the country to be

rejected. She’s not going to give up that easy.

We don’t talk about anything. It all

gets swept under the rug until something else

happens and it flairs up again.

There is NO SPARK in our relationship

whatsoever. There is no passion, sex is terrible.

He gets a bigger thrill out of internet porn than

me. He doesn’t care to make an effort to make me

happy. I’ve suggested counceling and he is not

interested in any of that.

I was seeing someone for a little while who I

thought was PERFECT for me but I broke it off to

give my family another shot. I have so many

regrets. I make very little money, so it is very

difficult to make it on my own with my son. My

biggest fear is to not be able to take care of my

son the way he deserves.

I’m on a mission again trying to find out if

he indeed is still in contact with her but now he

knows how far I will go and has made it more

difficult for me to find anything out.

I’ve been played for a fool for a

long time. I have a very big heart and I want to

believe he’s being sincere but I don’t even think

he cares at all one way or the other.

Basically my question is it possible she is

still in the picture? What other resources can I

use to find out? How can I get him to open up to

me without starting a war?

All I want is to be happy.

**********************************************

Here is my reply:

Thanks for your email. I want you to look at

all the information you have given me, presented

and summed up:

* my ex-husband who cheated on me with one of his

co-workers that I found out about by hiring a PI.

* He also had a relationship with a girl 12 years

younger than him

* They continued a long distance relationship that

was supposed to have ended in April 2007

* he wanted his family back

* I let him come home

* found proof he was still talking to her, in fact

she was on her way back to our home state to start a life

with him

* he only intended on living with us until my

lease was up in August

* I asked him to move out which he did

* After 2 weeks he begged to

come back again and he wanted his family back

* I let him come home

* claimed he was going fishing

with his friend Randy, but hadn’t even spoken to

Randy that day.

* He hides his phone

* changed his password for his e-mail

* deletes calls and text messages from his phone

* I don’t trust him at all.

* There is no passion, sex is terrible.

* He doesn’t care to make an effort to make me happy

* Suggested counseling and he is not interested in

any of that.

This guy sounds like he doesn’t want to be in a

relationship. It’s either clearly not what he

wants, or he’s not grown up enough to understand

what one is. You have caught him out several

times, yet each time he begs for forgiveness and

you let him come back.

You don’t have to forgive him. You clearly

don’t trust him. He has done nothing to regain

your trust. He lies to you. He hides his phone. He

changed his password. He deletes calls. He has no

concept of honesty and no respect for you as a

person.

You know the worst part? You let him

treat you like that. You don’t need more proof.

You don’t need the smoking gun. You need to look

at the list I have made. This is the man you love,

unfortunately, but it doesn’t have to be the man

you live with.

This doesn’t have to be the man

that you let destroy you. This is not a man you

trust, or one who respects you and can give you

the kind of love you want and deserve, and he’s

not even a good lover!

I want you to resist the temptation to rescue

this man or feel sorry for him. Stop being the

victim. Stop letting him drag you down.

You don’t need to feel bad about

this. You have let him come back several times,

and each time he has betrayed your trust. He hides

things from you and he lies to you. Unless he is

able to show you through concrete actions that he

is prepared to commit to this relationship, by

going to counseling, showing you his cellphone and

giving you access to his emails, the relationship

is over. It’s time for you to empower yourself.

Counseling, accountability, and complete honesty,

or it’s over. It’s up to him to prove himself

worthy of your trust. Stop giving him the benefit

of the doubt. It may be the end of the

relationship, but it is also an end to the hurt

and humiliation of him not respecting you.

You had a chance at love with another man. This

tells me that despite the pain you have been through,

love is possible. Hold on to that hope of love. If

you believe it can happen with another man in your

future, it will.

Sara Paul

********************************************************************

About the author:

Sarah Paul is a professional writer specializing in relationship

and marriage issues. She has extensive experience in helping single

people and couples with dating and relationship advice. She has

been interviewed by Cosmopolitan magazine and is considered by many

to be an expert in her field.

Her How To Catch a Cheating Spouse product is a compilation of 3

quality ebooks covering tips and methods to uncover your cheating

spouse to marital advice for couples in crisis. Also included is

bonus tracking software Sherlock Pro, which tracks screencaps,

websites visited, and keylogs. This ebook and software package is a

comprehensive tool for partners that want proof of infidelity or

peace of mind. You can learn more about how to catch your cheating

spouse at:

http://www.catchspousecheating.com