5 Little Things That Can Save Your Marriage – Part 3

I hope you’re finding this special report, 5 Little Things That Can Save Your Marriage, to be helpful and that you’re trying the exercises, either by yourself or with your partner. Part 3 is very important. Let’s get started.

A funny thing happens when we’re in a conversation, and the person with whom we’re talking starts a sentence with the word ‘you.’

Consider these examples:

‘You seem’
‘You always’
‘You are so’
‘You did’

When I hear a ‘You’ coming my way, I tense up a bit. I often sense a kind of ‘finger pointing,’ and I don’t know what’s coming next. It could be something positive or even benign such as, ‘You seem happy.’ Or it could be something negative like, ‘You always make a mess in the kitchen.’ Either way, when most of us hear the word ‘You,’ we often feel as though the searchlight has been turned on us for a moment, and everyone’s staring. Starting a sentence with the word ‘You’ has a way of making us uncomfortable and putting us on the defensive. (Personally, I don’t want someone to assume what’s going on with me. That’s what they’re doing when they use the word ‘You.’ I’d rather they talk about themselves or ask me a question.)

So The Third Little Thing That Can Save Your Marriage is this: Beware the negative power of ‘You.’

When you’re in a conversation with your partner today, listen for the word ‘You’ and pay attention to how it feels. If your partner talks to you and uses ‘You’ at the beginning of a sentence, how does it make you feel? Do you feel yourself becoming defensive? Closed down? Also, be aware of when you use the word when addressing your partner. How does your spouse respond? Do you sense any defensiveness? Remember: Awareness is the beginning of the process. I’m not asking you to change yourself or your spouse. I just want you to become aware of what’s happening.

Then, once you’ve become aware that you’re using the word ‘You,’ in the conversation, try not using it in the beginning of any sentences. Try talking about your own experience. Use the word ‘ I ‘ instead. When you do slip up (and trust me, you will), it’s okay to stop, tell your partner you would like to try something different, and turn the ‘You’ statement into an ‘ I ‘ statement.

Why am I asking you to do this? Because I think it will help you both to communicate better. Consider this ‘You’ statement:

‘You’re always late.’

If you say that to your partner, you’re likely to get this reaction:

‘No, I’m not! I was on time last week!’

Do you hear the defensiveness in the reaction? That’s often what happens when we use ‘You’ statements with our partner. I’ve found that couples have more success when they use ‘ I ‘ statements instead, followed by a question. For example:

‘I get worried and upset when you’re late. Can you explain what happened today?’

You’re conveying the same information. But in the ‘You’ statement, there’s an assumption built in. In the ‘ I ‘ statement, there is simply concern and an opportunity for your partner to communicate with you. See the difference?

Remember: Becoming aware of the power of the words ‘You’ and ‘ I ‘ is the key. Notice how it feels when you use them and when your partner uses them. If you’re doing this exercise together, talk about it. You’ll be amazed at what you learn about each other and how this one little thing can improve your communication.

P.S. If you’re serious about improving your marriage, take a look at the Win Back Love System. Marriage counseling can be great, but this program is designed to put the power to fix your marriage in your hands, not a therapist. The truth is, no one can change your marriage but you.